Clearly I have made some poor choices in life. We all have, I think. That is the nature of our tenure here. Making questionable decisions and then living with the consequences.
Some more so than others…obviously.
Without getting too personally revealing or boring, I have given in too easily on many fronts. Atonement. That which we all seek. Something that tells us that, yes…we should have or shouldn’t have done this or that thing, and we understand now, why. We make our amends and live on with the satisfaction that were it in our power to go back and relive just a few critical moments, even though we know we can’t, we have mea culpa-ed till our brains are bleeding…and that is enough. Well, it isn’t. But we deceive ourselves.
A wise(guy)man once said “I don’t know what I am going to write, until I face a blank page”. Well, as you have no-doubt guessed…that’s where I am. But I do want to say something watching these purple-ish letters assemble themselves under my fingers.
The title of this little trip is CTD. For those of you not in the know, that is medical slang for “circling the drain”. As in, your time is almost up. Short of a hollyweird happy-ending that saves Pauline from her latest peril…the bottomless pit of an end awaits. No more willful activity required. Just falling. Falling to who-knows-what.
Many people question my activity here on this site, in my little circle of friends and family. Verbally and with eye-movement. To me it is simple. I see the enemy..I have for years. But then again it has taken me years to complete this journey to my own enlightenment. So how, other than tapping these plastic keys time and time again, can I bring those with the raised eyebrows around to my conclusions? How did I arrive here? By following certain premises completely. Completely to their end. So few practice this time-worn scientific method. I have always clung to the logic of this. If a=b, and b=c…then you must conclude. You MUST resolve. Complete the logic. There are no alternate paths. This is this. It isn’t something else. You don’t get partial credit for a different answer. The answer is there. It is relentlessly waiting there for you.
Up there somewhere, I mentioned an enemy. I don’t shy away from naming the monster, but I do not personify it. I do not say I hate these people that believe this…or do that. If I have learned anything in this seemingly endless…seemingly terse tour here, it is that the human animal will always behave as he is taught. Taught by his environment…one way or another. No one person is born with an innate anything. Except an innate ability to learn and copy. Even what he does with the information drawn on the blackboard for him to absorb, is learned. I learned to say “fuck you” from Jim Stark. You may have learned to say…”well, the middle east conflict is a controversial and complicated situation” from MSNBC. All behaviour imaginable is possible in the human sphere. From living a conscientious life harming no others, to producing snuff films, it is all option. I think it boils down to where, when and from whom you receive data about things. Timing is crucial.
But enough about that.
As I also mentioned up there, most people that know me, and in fact know YOU…if you are aligned with my view of the world at all, see me as a rather normal person. Relatively well-liked, head on his shoulders, feet well planted in reality…even keeled. And yet we are told that anyone holding the opinion that the crux of the world’s problems lie with the judaic religion/cult, is delusional. A wing-nut. A basket case, not to be trusted with sharps. Although we don’t hold any other odd-ball opinions. We don’t eat children or masturbate on subways or push shopping carts in the streets. So how do we get these labels and how do we come by this disdain. Well, logic would hold that either we have a singular mental disease rivaling no other, or what we see in the world truly is what we tell you that it is. This is this. It isn’t something else. Murder of Palestinian children is happening right now. Rape of the world economy is a current phenomenon that is being accomplished by those with kosher surnames. Wars are being waged against innocent people for the financial gain of a few jewish psychopaths. There is no spin. We are not insane to follow these logical paths to their conclusions. But even your closest friend would rather believe that you are mentally defective than to question his own information. “Him?….oh, he went off the deep end. He thinks the joos are out to rule the world or some such nonsense”.
So as I circle the drain in the last half of my life, I don’t even hope for a last-minute reprieve from the Governor. I only wistfully wish for a moment…probably vanity…that at some point after the black hole has swallowed me, that sometime, a few might think…well, maybe he wasn’t so crazy. Perhaps this is my wish for some sort of atonement. But it doesn’t really matter what I wish…I’m CTD.