|Actual artist’s rendering of the arrest of “Yahweh” by brave IDF soldiers|
Reuters 9/1/10 Tel Aviv – The Israeli Defense Forces have announced that rebel leader “Yahweh” alias “Jesus Christ” was at last executed for his sedition and terrorist activity. The prisoner that was taken in a daring night raid last Tuesday which IDF sources described as a tribute to the bravery of their soldiers, claimed responsibility for a long list of terrorist acts against the jews-only state.
The raid in which the leader was taken, became possible with the help of an unnamed informant from the rebel group working in congress with the special commando unit to nab this dangerous self-described leader of the “Christian Movement”. Expecting compliance to the night arrest, soldiers were surprised by gunfire and an onslaught of stone-throwing from the the rebellious movement that surrounded their leader in Gethsemane on Tuesday. “Our special commando unit fought back, merely to defend themselves”, stated the unit’s commander as he described the commando’s appropriate response to the unexpected violence. “These Christians describe themselves as “peace-loving”…but our unit didn’t see any of that during the raid” , said Lieutenant “X” during a later interview with the BBC.
Israeli Deputy Defense Minister Shlomo Pilates stated in an interview that ” …we have finally nailed the SOB”. He went on to say: “The self-appointed leader of this violent group has finally been brought to justice after what many considered the last straw, after physcially throwing decent businessmen from their money-changing area in the local temple over a month ago”. “It was then that the Jewish Businessman’s Association decided to take action”.
This controversial affront to local business which Yahweh freely admitted to committing,at his trial was the “last nail in the coffin of his defense”, as his attorney put it on Friday. “It just didn’t make any sense for him to admit every charge brought by the Honorable Pharisees Commission, without any attempt to rebut their claims”, stated David Shekner, court-appointed attorney for the accused terrorist leader.
“With this kind of defendant that won’t deny charges…whataya gonna do?”
Christ also claimed responsibility for a host of other crimes against the jewish state…claiming that “his Father” told him to do it. One IDF spokesman assured our reporter that they are looking for an aged bearded man that fits his father’s description as a “person of interest” in the case. It is believed by many that the location of the arrest is where the terrorist organization often communicated with possibly the “true” leader of the violent movement…the “father” as he is called by Christian followers.
“I believe this proves once and for all that this kind of terrorist sedition will not be tolerated” as one IDF soldier, identified as “Y” for obvious reasons, put it. “This will send a message to all of this jerk’s followers to watch their asses”. The soldier then displayed the scar of a serious wound received during the arrest at Gethsemane(pictured). “These are NOT peaceful people ” the soldier went on to say.
Testimony that “Yahweh”, a self-proclaimed Rabbi, brought foodstuffs to a starving populace were debunked in the courtroom by the State’s Attorney. In a motion, the prosecution demanded of the defense to produce “even one fish” of the alleged food cache from which Jesus was supposed to have fed the masses. When questioned about where in fact he had gotten such a large quantity of food and drink for his followers, Christ answered that his “father” had provided it…casting doubt again that this Christ is indeed the true leader of the terrorist camp. What food that was found after the initial investigation of the “mount” at which this supposed gathering took place, was said to be long out of date, and obviously not intended as any charity for followers, and just a ruse to confront authorities. “There is no starvation in the region” stated Deputy Defense Minister Pilates. “Therefore no need for this charlatan’s supposed charity”.
The execution of Christ was carried out in a “compassionate” manner as described by those that witnessed it. Although the weatherman didn’t cooperate with the schedule of the crucifixion, the violent storms that took place during the festive event, soon passed.
News of the execution met with mixed feelings in the area. However on the lighter side of the issue, noted Jewish comedienne Sarah Silverman, who sat on the jury that condemned the terrorist leader had this to say at a roast following the event:
Well Sarah, you won’t have to kill him again!…hopefully.